


Kiss and Tell

by Mithen



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Genre: Angst and Humor, Bodyswap, M/M, Misunderstanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-09 05:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mithen/pseuds/Mithen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Batman and Wonder Woman have their bodies switched, Bruce has to pretend to be Diana...and tonight she's going on a date with Superman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiss and Tell

"At last! The ancient Rite of Gith-Noggash has been evoked, and your essences have been switched! Batman's soul is trapped in Wonder Woman's now-powerless body, and the Amazon's spirit imbues human clay!" Felix Faust knew he was monologuing--an unfortunate habit, one he'd made a New Year's resolution to quit--but it felt so _good_ to finally have the Rite down, after years of study. "Soon any leader of the world could hold the unconquerable brilliance of Felix Faust!" Referring to himself in the third person as well--Lex Luthor would chide him for the self-indulgence. No matter. "But first, to dispose of you--" He whipped out a revolver. "I know, terribly mundane for a wizard of my caliber, but it's the quickest and most energy-efficient way to test whether you still have Amazon reflexes or are truly Batman trapped in a strange new body." He pulled the trigger--

Muscled arms flashed up to block the bullet, and silver bracelets deflected it with a sharp _ping_. The bullet bounced back and buried itself in the marble column next to Faust's head.

Faust felt his knees go weak. Impossible! His Rite-- He looked over at Batman's bound body and saw a sardonic smile curving the man's mouth. If Wonder Woman and her godlike powers were truly there, surely she would have wasted no time in breaking the chains?

Wonder Woman took a step toward him, and Felix Faust's nerve broke. A quick gesture and an escape spell, and he fled the room to contemplate what had gone wrong with the Rite.

Curse his luck, he fumed as he slipped sidewise into another dimension. Things like this _never_ happened to Morgan Le Fay.

**: : :**

Back in the ritual room, Batman snapped the chains and sprang to Wonder Woman's side. "I always knew--" The voice came out a warm tenor; a grimace and a fresh start produced the proper growl. "I always knew you had good reflexes, Bruce, but that was amazing."

Wonder Woman eased the bracelet back from freshly-bruised skin, wincing. "Instincts, Princess," lush lips growled. "Plus I knew he'd be aiming for my heart. Fortunately he's a decent shot. Good job holding back and not attacking. This way at least he thinks his spell was a failure. That should buy us some time while he tries to decide what went wrong."

"He'll cast a protective spell first. Then I'm sure he'll try and cast a scrying spell and spy on us. He's got to wonder if maybe we tricked him, or if perhaps the spell takes a while to take effect."

"You know magic better than I do. How long will that take?"

It was unnerving, Bruce thought, to watch himself thinking. "We have at least five minutes. After that we must assume that Faust is watching us. He must not discover that his spell was successful, or he will use it to flee into a new body and escape justice forever." Batman's jaw tightened with Wonder Woman's zeal.

"Princess, you need to get in touch with Jason Blood, in Gotham. He wouldn't trust me if I showed up in this body, but you can talk to him. Tell him you think Faust is trying to replicate the Rite of Gish-Noggath--"

"--Gith-Noggash."

"--Yes, that. Don't tell him it worked, in case Faust is listening in. Ask him if there's some way to track someone trying to cast it, or a way to reverse it. See if he can help you."

"--Bruce." A black-clad hand grabbed his shoulder. "You don't have my powers. What if--"

Bruce hoped his worry didn't show through so clearly on his face when he told teammates to be careful. "You're off-duty for the next twelve hours. If there's a crisis, I'll tell someone on the team what happened. But let's hope there's no crisis that requires Wonder Woman's help."

"That's another thing." Bruce watched his own teeth worry at his lower lip. "I...kind of had plans for tonight. You'll...need to go to dinner with Kal-El in my place."

That's right, Bruce remembered. Diana was going out with Superman tonight. He had even overheard them making plans together. In the confusion of the moment it had entirely slipped his mind. He realized he was staring blankly. "I'll find some way to tell him it's not you," he stammered.

The hand on his shoulder tightened. " _No!_ You said yourself it's too risky. It's just dinner. We usually talk about League business, you'll be fine."

"But what if--" It was oddly difficult to make his thoughts into words. "What if he, uh--if you two--"

The familiar/unfamiliar face in front of him smiled. "I trust you to handle it," Wonder Woman said, tapping Batman's wrist with a meaningful glance: _time's up._ She slipped into the shadows and was gone, leaving Bruce with two hours to prepare for his--for _Diana's_ \--date with Superman.

**: : :**

Bruce looked at himself in the mirror, his hands on his hips. A long white dress--the most modest in Diana's wardrobe on the Watchtower--practical flats, a simple sapphire choker. Diana's long hair fell loose around her shoulders, as Bruce didn't have the faintest how to style long hair. Overall, the effect was more than satisfactory: elegant but relaxed, and of course very beautiful. It was no surprise to anyone at all, least of all Bruce, that Wonder Woman had been seen with Superman in public nearly every week recently. Who could resist her?

Who could resist _him?_

With an effort Bruce banished the thunderous frown on Diana's face. He didn't like not knowing the whole situation, it made planning difficult. Clark and Diana had been dating for almost a month now: how intimate were they? He could easily see Clark being conservative about such things, but on the other hand--well, it _was_ Wonder Woman, after all, and no matter how strait-laced Superman might be, he wasn't _dead._ And it wasn't like romantic relationships were prohibited in the League. For starters, there really was no one with the authority to ban them. Besides, Clark and Diana were adults. They made an excellent pair, and Bruce knew he could trust them both to be professional about their relationship while on the job. He had no problem at all with them dating.

None.

At all.

Bruce forced his shoulders to relax. Diana's face was quite beautiful even when it looked absolutely miserable, he noted with a small portion of his mind. Then a tentative knock at the door broke into his gloom and he straightened his spine, looked as cheerful as possible, and went to open the door.

Superman was there, looking--well, it might be Diana's physical heart that skipped a beat, but Bruce knew perfectly well that it was his reaction triggering it. He was wearing a more formal version of his costume, as it was Superman that Diana was dating, not Clark. "Kal," Bruce said with a smile, and Superman leaned in close to him, to--to--

Bruce's surge of panic sputtered out as Kal kissed Diana lightly on the cheek. "Hiya, Di. How do you feel about French tonight? That little restaurant in Boston you love?"

 _Good grief,_ thought Bruce. _Their relationship is so intimate they're already acting like an old married couple._ "Sounds wonderful," he said aloud. The touch of warmth on his cheekbone burned like a brand, and he was sure Clark would notice how uncomfortable he was, but Superman was turning away and heading down the hall.

 _He didn't even compliment my--her--dress. Not the most attentive of lovers._ Together they strolled side by side to the teleport room, where a bored Cyborg was waiting for them. "Make extra-sure the boom tube doesn't drop us off in Apokolips," grinned Superman as Cyborg rolled his eyes with the air of someone who's heard this a thousand times before. "That would be a pretty bad date."

Bruce smiled back at him, although he was beginning to feel that wading unpowered through a horde of parademons would be preferable to this evening. The boom tube shimmered into life. "Shall we?"

"Oh," Superman said, "I almost forgot." He reached out and took Wonder Woman's hand. Then he winked knowingly at Diana, leaving Bruce utterly mystified, and stepped forward.

They came out in the entranceway of the restaurant, where a small crowd of customers gaped at the sight of Superman and Wonder Woman emerging from a boom tube. "I believe we have reservations for two, the El party?" Everyone looked at them as they were seated, conversations grinding to a halt, and Superman gave Diana a pleased smile. "I think that's an entrance to remember," he murmured. It had the tone of a shared joke between them, so Bruce smiled back, hiding his bafflement, as they picked up the menus.

Bruce had been worried that the conversation would be filled with endearments and in-jokes, but instead they focused mostly on work topics that Bruce was able to finesse--going over the last fight with Doctor Destiny, discussing possible new candidates for the roster, debating whether or not Green Lantern should be kicked off the team. Bruce was taken aback by the last topic--apparently this was one that Superman and Wonder Woman had discussed before, from Clark's tone.

"He was hitting on that woman in the middle of battle," Superman said irritably. "I'm telling you, he's a liability."

"He's a warrior," Bruce countered. It sounded like something Diana would say, and Clark didn't seem to find it out of character. "He's saved our lives many times over." Clark pulled a sour face and grumbled wordlessly. Apparently his dislike of Jordan ran much deeper than Bruce had known. "Just because you two don't get along--"

"--It's not about me and you know it," snapped Clark. People at nearby tables looked at them and he lowered his voice. "We've been over this, Di. Don't make me repeat myself."

"Well, maybe you need to say it again and clarify your thoughts."

"You know I don't like the way he treats Batman," Clark said. "Always jabbing at him, always trying to get a rise out of him. He thinks I can't hear him, but I hear every single insult, and I don't like it." He nodded at her: _there, are you happy?_

Bruce blinked. "I...suppose it's bad for team morale." He'd never really thought about it before, but it made sense Clark would be worried about that.

"Morale?" Clark looked aggrieved. "Diana, are you baiting me deliberately tonight? I don't appreciate it when you tease, we've talked about this." He jabbed a fork at his asparagus as if personally affronted by the existence of green things. "Can we _please_ just talk about something other than Batman?"

Bruce felt oddly stung by the vehemence in his voice. "What's your problem with him?"

"Oh, very funny." Clark scowled. "Ha ha, Diana."

"What?" Bruce felt his hands clenching angrily on the silverware. He relaxed his shoulders and shrugged, trying to pitch his voice back to casual. "I suppose there are too many things to pick just one, anyway. He's arrogant, paranoid, has no sense of humor, and is an inveterate loner."

He looked up at Clark's face and was surprised to see a look of legitimate pain mixed with the anger. "Diana, if you think you can goad me into defending Batman to you--" Clark shook his head. "Just drop it, please."

"Of course. I'm sorry." Bruce managed a smile and turned the conversation elsewhere, but his throat felt tight and his hands were cold. _Admit it, you wanted him to disagree with her,_ he chided himself. _You were hoping that maybe he'd confess that he respected Batman, even admired him. Maybe even saw him as a friend._ He smiled at Superman with Diana's lips, the food bitter as ashes in his mouth. _Idiot._

The rest of the meal passed without incident, and without mention of Batman.

After the waiter cleared away their desserts, Superman leaned forward and dropped his voice to a near-whisper. "If I do that thing you keep bothering me to do, will you finally lay off me about it?"

Bruce was fed up with pretending to follow the conversation. "I don't know what you're talking about," he snarled under his--well, under Diana's--breath.

"That thing. _You_ know. But it won't work."

Bruce just wanted to get out of there and get his own body back. Shouldn't Diana have finished talking to Jason Blood by now? "Well, you won't know until you try, will you?" he snapped.

Superman sounded resigned. "Okay, okay." He raised his voice. "Well, dear, let's go." He pushed his chair back and came around to pull Diana's chair back as well.

As Wonder Woman stood, Superman leaned in and kissed her.

It started off nearly chaste, a gentle pressing of lips to lips, and Bruce froze in panic. Superman was kissing him--no, not him. Never him. It was Diana he was kissing, and this would be the only time--the only time ever--

It was like something snapped inside him; he grabbed Superman's shoulders and yanked him closer, tangling his hands in Clark's hair as he pushed into the kiss. Superman made a tiny surprised sound and his lips parted, his steely muscles going pliant against Bruce's body, and Bruce heard himself growl in satisfaction and tug Clark's hair, bending his head back to deepen the kiss into something delirious and dizzying. Bruce put all of his need and want into the kiss, as if he could quench every desire in the warmth of Clark's growing response. And he _was_ responding: he was gasping in pleasure, it was glorious, it was everything Bruce had ever dreamed of, it was--

Like a sluice of icy water Bruce suddenly became aware of the fact that certain key elements of physical arousal were different and remembered that this body was Wonder Woman's, that Clark was in a passionate and trembling embrace with _Diana,_ not him. His body shaking with unfamiliar sensations, he broke the kiss and stepped away from Clark, breathing hoarsely. Superman was staring at him, and Bruce became belatedly aware that there was applause swelling from the restaurant-goers and a crowd had gathered at the doorway.

"Di--" Superman stammered. "What--"

A sharp wolf whistle came from the door and a figure pushed through the small mob: Bruce Wayne, with a most uncharacteristic grin of delight on his face, applauding along with everyone else. "It's about time!" Bruce heard his own voice say as his own hands clapped him on the back.

"Bruce." Superman's face was bleak and confused. "What are you--"

He nearly flinched as the bat-doppleganger caught his arm. "We need to talk," "Bruce" said. "In private." Wolfish eyes cast a triumphant look at Wonder Woman. "Success!" he mouthed, flashing a thumbs-up as he steered the dazed couple toward the door. "Put it on my tab," he announced breezily to the maitre d', then hustled them to the elevators. "I've got a suite in this hotel, right?" he muttered.

"Fiftieth floor," said Bruce, not looking at Superman. He was still trying to fix in his memory the feel of Clark's mouth on his. He would claim he was just acting the role, of course. Clark would never know how desperately he had--how much he still wanted to--

His double pressed the fingerprint sensor and the suite door swung open. Superman and Wonder Woman were bustled inside. "Bruce" clasped his hands together, grinning, as the door closed. "This is wonderful!" he said.

"It is?" both Superman and Wonder Woman said blankly in unison.

The imposter-Bruce just grinned at them. "Clark, who were you thinking of during that kiss?"

The blood rushed to Superman's cheeks and he swung to glare at Bruce in Wonder Woman's body. " _What did you tell him?"_ he snarled.

Bruce threw his hands up. "Nothing! Nothing! This is all--"

The phone in Wonder Woman's purse let out a querulous _chirp_. "Bruce" grabbed the purse away and pulled out the phone, his eyes lighting up. "Answer it," he hissed, handing "Wonder Woman" the phone.

Bruce flipped it open. "Hello...Steve?"

"Tell him you want to talk to him," his own voice whispered urgently beside him. "Tell him you'll be right there."

Bruce repeated the instructions and hung up. The well-dressed man in front of him nodded with satisfaction and said, "Blood and I--well, Etrigan and I--took care of the problem. And Blood gave me..." He pulled out a small crystal rod, tapped his own forehead with it, then touched the Amazon's. Murmuring something indistinct, he snapped the rod in half.

A shock of dislocation, the room tilted, and when it righted itself Bruce was looking at a beaming Wonder Woman from his own very familiar and cherished body. She kissed him on the cheek. "I'll just let you explain, then," she said, and ran for the door with a final cheerful wave.

There was a long silence while Bruce closed his eyes and did mental inventory. That was there, and so was that, and--yes, that certainly was too.

"Are you going to explain what just happened," Clark's seething voice said, "Or are you just going to stand there all night?"

Bruce's eyes snapped open to take in the rather bewitching sight of Superman, flushed with anger and embarrassment, his eyes a dangerous cobalt. "Well, it's--"

"--I take Diana out to dinner, she kisses me--" Clark's voice faltered for a moment, "--And then you show up as smug as can be, you drag us both up here, tell Diana to answer her phone and what to say, and then she runs off without even saying goodbye and tells you to explain it all?"

"It's kind of--"

"--Are you _happy_ that I was kissing Diana? Because you were all smiles about it, so apparently it's just fine with you if she grabs me and starts making out with me in public like that."

"It wasn't--"

"--Because I was only doing it as a favor, because she said maybe it would make Steve Trevor finally realize he wanted to be with her, and that maybe--" He broke off and bit his lip, looking away, and Bruce couldn't bear it anymore.

This time the kiss didn't even start off chaste; he pushed Superman against the wall hard enough to shake the insipid hotel watercolors and seized his lips and his breath. Clark made a startled noise, then surged into the kiss as if he were soaring into battle, tilting his head against Bruce's demanding pressure and wrapping his arms around him.

Now that Bruce had his own familiar anatomy back, the second kiss was much better--and longer--than the first.

When Bruce started to see sparks at the edge of his vision from lack of breath, the kiss slowly tapered into something lingering and almost tentative. "That was _you,_ " Clark breathed against his lips. "In the restaurant." His mouth caressed Bruce's wonderingly. "The same kiss, the same--" He broke off.

"Need?" Bruce finished for him, his heart hammering. "Lust?"

"Passion," Clark said. "I should have known," he whispered almost to himself. "It was how I had--had always dreamed you would kiss me. I--" He stopped and Bruce felt rather than saw him smile. "I forgot it was Diana for a moment. I just...let myself imagine it was you."

The bed was just a few feet away; Bruce steered them both toward it, kissing him again, neither one willing to lose contact with the other long enough to walk, until they tumbled onto the bed in a tangle of limbs.

"You don't have to imagine any more," Bruce growled. "Never again." He felt a smirk curling the corners of his mouth, relished the familiar sensation. "So," he murmured, "I've two out-of-body experiences so far today.

How about we go for a third?"


End file.
